A Special Thank You

It’s been a while since I’ve sat down to write anything. The truth is, my passion is getting this message out, not necessarily writing about it (I am a math teacher after all - writing doesn't always come naturally). So I don’t stress myself out over the blog. But when the itch happens to share something, I like to sit down at my leisure and write.

I got a text the other night from a cousin and friend. And it gave me the itch to share. It read:

“I just want to say thanks. Because I have been completely different and [my boyfriend] has noticed. I know I haven’t lost weight like I used to want to. But I have gained a thousand times more confidence and it has done wonders for me. I got a new job, I feel so much better day to day, even when I skip the gym. [My boyfriend] is so much more attracted to me just because I am so confident in how I look. I am no longer mad about looking bad in photos because I know I’m having a hell of a time when those photos are taken. I’m so so happy you started ‘Decidedly Beautiful’ because it has such an amazing positive impact on so many people. You are amazing. Thank you so much for helping me realize that I’m beautiful no matter what and that I have such a great life.”

I teared up when I read it to myself. Then I read it to my husband and I sobbed while reading it.

This cousin of mine is a gorgeous woman. She’s stunning and athletic and tall and fit and the list goes on. In fact, I remember my sister and I on a number of occasions lamenting our own bodies and wishing for hers because it was perfect. So this text to me is so much more than just an incredibly moving thank you. It’s a lesson.

This woman - who is gorgeous - lacked confidence in her appearance. Body hating is not just a problem with people who are overweight. This is a problem with EVERYONE – all shapes and sizes. I’ve said it before - we are fed a definition of beauty by the media that is unachievable by the rest of us. It causes distorted body image in everyone. And it makes me angry that someone like my cousin would ever believe that she was anything but beautiful.

It’s also a little sad to think that had I learned how much negativity she had about herself a year ago, my mind would immediately have gone to “if she thinks SHE’S fat, I wonder what she thinks of me” and let that destroy my confidence even more. We’ve all done that. We continue to do that. Every time we beat ourselves up, we destroy a little bit of the people around us as well. And in truth, our self-image is often so distorted we only see the fault in ourselves and not others anyway.

So I say again – and again and again and again – let’s change the current definition of beautiful. Beauty is SO MUCH MORE than what is in the magazines. Stop the negative self-talk. Let’s start to talk to and think about ourselves the way we would about others. Let’s build ourselves and each other up. Let’s remember that just because SOMEONE ELSE is beautiful, it doesn’t mean WE aren’t.

I see the change starting to happen. I see the passion in people. I see celebrities speaking out, and movements making change. And most importantly, I see it happening right around me – to the people who read this blog and follow my facebook posts and see how amazing the change to body loving can be. I hope more people can join me in making this change.

I'm so grateful for you all. Thank you for being so amazing. Thank YOU for helping me have the confidence to continue by letting me know that people are listening. I can’t wait to see what we can accomplish. And a special thanks to my cousin, for giving me permission to share this. You are an amazing and beautiful person, inside and out. I love you my friend, and I'm so grateful for your kind words. But more than that, I am so completely happy that you are finding yourself and your happiness and I'm thrilled to be a part of that. xoxoxo

A Letter of Apology

Dear Me,

I'm sorry I took so long to like me. 
I'm glad I finally have my relationship heading in the right direction. 
Because I am pretty amazing.

I know I often tell people how happy I am. But I am still surprised sometimes by how true that statement actually is. I feel pretty. I feel confident. I feel deserving. And now I'm realizing that I was always all of those things, but I couldn't see it because I was too consumed with hate for myself. And for that I am so incredibly sorry.

Now I take myself to the hairdresser regularly. I finally feel I deserve nice hair that's styled. I feel I deserve the edgy trends and the hot colours that I always wanted but was scared would draw too much attention, or felt that I wasn't pretty enough to get. I'm sorry it took me almost 34 years to get here.

I have another tattoo appointment booked. I never felt I was deserving of tattoos because I couldn't think of body parts that I liked enough to decorate, even though I loved them so much. And now I'm not ashamed of my body parts anymore and feel that I can adorn them in whatever beautiful way I see fit. I'm sorry that I ever felt that any part of me wasn't good enough. 

I know these things sound superficial...but in a way they are representative of so much. I finally see myself as deserving. I'm finally not scared to stand up and be the person I am, inside and out.

I'm sorry that it's taken me so long to live as the person I am supposed to be. I always knew who I was. I just didn't think I deserved to have anything amazing because I was too nerdy, too fat, too shy, too ....well the list goes on. I'm sorry I kept who I really am bottled up for so long.

I won't apologize though, if this sounds conceited. I acknowledge that I can always be a little more awesome tomorrow than I was today. And I know that not everyone I meet will think I am as amazing as I do. But at the end of the day, I need to make sure that I am happy with myself, and for the first time in far too long, I can say that this is happening regularly.

So now I forgive myself for mistreating me for all those years. And I move forward, day after day....being happy. Being ME.
Thank you for your extreme patience on this matter. I promise that this will not happen again.

Love, Me
xoxo

More Changes...

I write this morning because I'm scared....

Today, Ian starts a new shift at work. He will be working 11am to 7:30pm - a change from the 6:45 to 3:30 he's been working for the past 10 months or so.

If you read my story at the beginning of my blog you will have learned that I despise cooking. And here I am once again in a position of having to cook meals for my family 5 nights a week.

Ian will help as much as he can in helping to prep things for dinners...but I'm scared.

I'm scared of falling back into bad habits of looking for easy fixes.

I'm scared of being so tired by the time I get the kids fed, bathed and into bed on my own that I will have no desire to exercise.

I'm scared that I will be so busy looking after everyone else again that I will forget how to look after myself.

And I'm scared that I will end up right back where I was a few months ago....hating myself for not having the ability to be stronger.

I enter this change with cautious optimism. I'm a different person now than I was last time I was in charge of dinners and bedtime alone. But I am not exactly known for handling stress well.

Already I have had to cancel a dinner date and a hair appointment for this week. My "me" time is about to become extremely precious. My weekends, when I have my family as a whole unit, is even more valuable than that.

So I enter a part of my journey that is going to require a hell of a lot of strength and commitment. Not to a diet - to myself. To not forget me in the midst of remembering everyone else. I know I'm not the only one in the world to have to deal with "mom" tasks alone daily. I have incredible admiration for single parents everywhere, or families where a spouse is gone for long periods of time. But everyone has different struggles. Everyone adapts to situations differently. This is one that I have struggled with in the past.

I will have good days and bad days. Today is emotional. The fear is a little overwhelming. But I'm going to hold my head high and charge through it. 

And I just have to remind myself, it's hard - but I'm totally worth it. 

The Proverbial Wagon

This past weekend is the kind of weekend that, not too long ago, I would have been beating my self up over falling off the wagon...

Friday night I indulged in a few glasses of wine after work. Saturday I had seconds of the sausages and corn on the cob we had for dinner. Sunday I had a bagel with cream cheese AS WELL AS a bowl of golden grahams for breakfast, a KFC big crunch combo for lunch and a large helping of Chicken Parmesan and Cesar Salad for dinner. I also then had some wine and chips with homemade guacamole while watching my favourite show. On top of this, I didn't participate in the workouts of my 90 day boot camp challenge on either of Saturday or Sunday...

After a weekend like this, who I used to be was likely to engage in a lot of negative self talk. I would spend my day wallowing in my lack of will power. I would be upset that the scale probably climbed (which it did a bit - I checked). I would complain that I fell off the wagon. Why oh why is it so hard to stay on the wagon? Why is losing weight so hard? Why do I suck so bad at this?

Well no more...

I did not fall off my wagon. My wagon kept running and I stayed firmly on it. Because my wagon NO LONGER LEADS to a number on the scale. It leads to LIVING MY LIFE - and that's what I did this weekend.

I spent Saturday outdoors in the fresh air enjoying one of the first amazing days of spring with my family. I ate delicious food off the BBQ because I haven't enjoyed it in months. I reflect back on my weekend and while I acknowledge that I didn't make the HEALTHIEST choices in terms of food  - I ask myself one simple question:

Did I enjoy myself? Did I make choices that made me feel good this weekend?

And the simple answer is absolutely.

Then there are no regrets. My wagon keeps rolling. Today I feed my body healthy foods that I enjoy eating. Today I will exercise because I do enjoy exercising.

The scale does not determine my value as a person. It does not tell me the good job that I am doing in all aspects of my life. It will never again ruin my day or give me any sort of assurance that I am doing something right. It is simply a number.

If we live our lives driven by a number on the scale then we miss out on so much of LIFE. I don't want to live my life thinking I can never again indulge in some of my favourite foods. What fun is it when we become so focused around our workouts that we can't take a minute to realize that things like digging weeds outside in the garden is also considered being active - even if it isn't helping me build muscle.

In other words - I had a fabulous weekend, thank you very much. I hope I have many more like it this summer. So today I congratulate myself on a weekend well lived instead.

What is Beauty?

This is one that has been really bothering me lately. 

From the Selfie post I just did to the Dove beauty campaign where they posted signs over the doors saying "Average" and "Beautiful" and watched people walk through the doors, I've been seeing a lot of emphasis on the word Beautiful...

The first time I saw that Dove clip, it moved me to tears. Watching people choose average, watching them encourage each other to choose Beautiful...the mom with the teenage daughter is the one that really got me. I started blubbering like my son when I ask him to eat his dinner when I saw that one (oh he's a fun boy if you aren't on my instagram). The only thought in my head at that time was 'Bingo. What an amazing message'.

And then I read through the comments on some of the posts (not my posts - it was everywhere on Facebook) and I couldn't believe what I was reading. 

Comment after comment knocking the campaign...

"What if you just are not beautiful...what if you are just average and know it and are okay with it??? What happens when you know and accept that you will never be a beauty queen but instead is just the average girl next door? So then if you choose the average door people are going to label you with self worth issues? I'm not beautiful, I'm average and it's okay..."

"Since when is average considered a bad thing? Why can't women be average and feel beautiful at the same time? Why the labels?"

"How about the "right now I don't care how I look because I have more important priorities" door? I understand empowering women and appreciating all forms of beauty, but I also think by discussing it so much, we're all assuming that beauty is an important part of our day to day lives. It really doesn't need to be, and I'm not crazy about teaching my kids that message."

"I choose to remember that each and every corporation is out to make money. They may say they care about customers, employees, the environment, society, world peace, whatever, but they only care about any of these things as long as it improves their profit margin. The second that being a warm fuzzy loving company stops being profitable they will swing into a new business model and carry on. Never make the mistake of buying the images they are selling."

I don't know if I can properly describe how I feel when I read these. Confused? Sad they missed the message? Annoyed?

I do know this. I personally love the #ChooseBeautiful Campaign. It resonates with my standpoint exactly. We are all beautiful - we just have to make the choice to be. We can FEEL beautiful even if we don't meet the the media definition of beautiful. While we might not all like it, the truth is that appearance plays a major part in our society. People are self conscious about how they look, they are bullied by people trying to make them feel inferior, they are bombarded with images and advertisements every day about how to make themselves better/thinner/prettier/younger. Accepting yourself as average just feels wrong to me. There is something OUTSTANDING about each of us.

Why is it that when I google search "beautiful women" I get these images...

But to get these images I had to search "average women"?

How was it determined that these women should be considered "plus size"?

Why do these things all have to be compartmentalized into their own little categories? Why is it that appearance needs to be judged and separated based on some definition handed to us by the people behind the camera? The same people who now alter images so drastically that the women who posed in the pictures don't even look like themselves anymore. 

Why can't ALL these women just BE BEAUTIFUL???

Beauty is a choice. A decision. It comes from within. We have to be able to turn around and tell the media "Hey, I don't look like that, but I'm still BEAUTIFUL!" Maybe it's because we are kind, or intelligent, or confident or strong. Maybe it's not our physical characteristics that make us feel beautiful, maybe it's something deeper - something within us that makes us unique and amazing and important. But we all have the right and the ability to feel beautiful - should we choose it.

In my wanderings I came across a website that said that being body positive and thinking you are beautiful are mutually exclusive. Meaning - you can love your body, but not think you are beautiful. And I want to disagree. I think if we are going to really and truly love our bodies for the amazing things they are, then that includes what they look like - wrinkles, jiggly bits, saggy parts and all - and accepting that beautiful is exactly what WE define it to be - not what we let society define it as. I do get what they are saying...that traditionally the word beauty is an emphasis on our appearance, and they are trying to get away from that as being the basis of our self worth. So let's make beautiful a feeling as opposed to a definition of appearance. Or better yet, let's start accepting that there is more to being beautiful than just what we have learned is "attractive".

So no, I don't wonder why they didn't put up the "intelligent" doorway for women to walk through. I'm not angry that they categorized the doors as Average and Beautiful and apparently emphasized appearance. I'm especially not going to boycott the product because I feel like they are preying on women's insecurities. (Hey, if there is a coupon, I'll try any product!)

I feel like they are making videos and advertisements that I am damn proud to show my children and my students. Because they send a very powerful message - and it's not "hey buy our body wash". They say "hey, you have the power to change the meaning of beauty. You just have to see yourself and ACCEPT yourself as beautiful first".

And damn right I'm buying into it. But sorry Dove, I'm not running out to buy your latest shampoo because of it either ;)

To keep this rolling, check out websites by some other fabulous women who feel the need to change how we feel about beauty. And start choosing beautiful everyday. Own who you are. Love your own body. And let's teach our children how to do the same.

http://tessmunster.com/index.html

http://bodyimagemovement.com.au/

http://www.bodyheart.com/

http://www.beautyredefined.net/

I'm pretty sure this deserves a selfie! Tonight, this is my beautiful. My 9pm, post boot camp, marking papers, need-an-extra-large-coffee-but-kicked-this-Monday's-ass kind of beautiful, and I'm damn proud of it. 

To Selfie or Not to Selfie?

The world today is so completely different than what it was when I was younger. Being a teenager we still had to go to the library to look up information if we had a paper due. We weren't instantly connected to everyone all the time. We still needed quarters for pay phones, and if your friends called you after you were out for the night, then too bad! The one thing we most definitely did not have was social media.

I don’t even remember when I got a Facebook page, but I’m pretty sure it was well after university. I've only gotten into Instagram and the whole hashtag movement in the last year or so. Smart phones with fancy cameras have very quickly gone from luxury to standard. The world today lives on instant gratification. The days of having to get a newspaper to look up what movies are playing are long gone. And with the powerful take off of social media platforms, one of the most popular things that came with it was the selfie. A simple portrait of a user’s own face that they post for friends to see. Like so:

(A recent selfie of my own)

So why is this a big deal?

Well I've had very mixed feelings over the selfie recently. So I just wanted to take a minute to share what I used to feel, what I feel now, and some interesting things that I've stumbled upon to make things even more confusing.

Until just a few weeks ago, I really disliked the idea of a selfie. Don't crucify me just yet - let me explain. To post a selfie because you got a haircut, or new glasses or a new lipstick was one thing. But keep in mind that I teach high school. I've watched teenage girls take 50 pictures of themselves before finding one that was JUST RIGHT to post on social media. It would sometimes consume almost an entire period. And then I’d find out that that might have been their third selfie of the day. And all I could think was ‘how low is their self-esteem that they require validation in the form of Facebook likes?’ I didn't assume EVERYONE who posted a selfie was out for validation, but I could definitely see how for some, it was a total cry for attention.

“Please give me likes! Tell me I’m pretty!”

Teenage girls aren't world renowned for their confidence or their positive body image. In fact, we could probably say that they are one of the groups that struggle the most with this. So hopefully you can see why my view of the selfie may have been tainted.

As a result, I took an anti selfie stance myself, only posting a small handful – usually for new hair or glasses, or goofy pictures I had taken with my kids because I swore I’d be in more pictures with them. I never really “liked” (ie, the action of liking a photo on social media) selfies – not because I didn't think they were pretty, but because I didn't want to feed into anyone’s need for validation based on looks.

And then a couple of weeks ago I went to an event here in Hamilton put on by the YWCA for female high school students. It was called the Totally Awesome Young Women’s Breakfast. There was a guest speaker there who, embedded in her talk, had a message that really resonated with me. To the point that I immediately posted a selfie retracting my previous anti-selfie attitude.

Her message was simply that why should we care if someone does happen to be seeking validation? Who are we to withhold that? If a woman wants reassurance that she looks good, then we should give it to her without hesitation because we all need a little validation sometimes, and there is no denying that a nice compliment can make you feel awesome. So in that moment, I embraced the selfie. I would empower anyone and everyone who posts a selfie. I would like those selfies until I couldn't double tap anymore. (A double tap is a like in Instagram world, just in case you didn't know)

Then I started a blog. And I realized that running a blog is WAY more than just being able to type up my story and walk away. Now I need to be interesting. I need to find topics that people enjoy reading about, and I have to research and write and entertain! So I took to the internet (something else that wasn't really around when I was younger by the way) to look for topics. And I stumbled across a very interesting article:

http://www.beautyredefined.net/selfies-and-objectification/

Here is one of the first paragraphs of this entry:

“Rather, [selfies] are a clear reflection of exactly what girls and women have been taught to be their entire lives: images to be looked at. Carefully posed, styled, and edited images of otherwise dynamic human beings for others to gaze upon and comment on. Selfies are not just images you take of yourself for yourself; they are images you take of yourself for others to see. Selfies weren’t a thing until social media made it possible to receive validation in an easy, public way online. And what have girls and women been taught from Day 1 brings them the most value? Looking good. Not being smart or funny or kind or talented — mostly just looking hot. Thus, the validation females have been taught to seek is the approval of others regarding their appearances”.

Well shit. But I just embraced the selfie?!? Now I don’t like it again??

The one thing I came to realize while reading this article is that I don’t think I was wrong before. And I don’t think I am wrong now. The truth is some combination of both.

The unfortunate thing is that there are likely those who DO rely on selfies for validation. Those who will scrutinize every picture and apply edits and filters to get a perfect picture to share. Those who will become sullen or depressed if they receive an inadequate number of likes on a particular photo. And those who will compare their image to countless others to rank themselves in terms of beauty.

The one part where I do believe I had it wrong is with empowerment. According to these women who wrote the linked article above, if you are looking for my “likes” as your own personal form of empowerment, then you might be posting your selfie for the wrong reason. Their challenge is to be able to be and see more than just our bodies when looking for beauty. The ultimate take away message was this: “regardless of what you look like, or what you think you look like, you can feel good about yourself because you are not your appearance”. If the “like” that I give you increases your self-worth because you believe I think you are pretty, then that is not empowerment. It is short term satisfaction. Does that mean I’m wrong for liking it? I don’t think so. Does that make you wrong for enjoying that I liked it? I don’t think so either. There is no doubt that when someone tells me I look nice, I feel awesome, so why on earth would I not enjoy a like on my own selfie, or be glad that you enjoy the likes on your selfies? But I do believe if this is the only way you ever feel good about yourself, then there is a problem.

So with this, I challenge us all to take a step back and reflect. Why do YOU selfie? Many of us may not even understand what we feel when we post a selfie because we've never stopped to think about it! It's just automatic because SO MANY of us do it! What would happen if you posted a selfie and no one liked it? How do you feel when you post a selfie and you get dozens of likes? Have you ever posted a selfie where you didn’t think you looked just right? Does a selfie really indicate too much value placed on beauty? If our bodies are not ornaments, should any of this matter?

And here's a big one...

Can we be body positive and NOT think we are beautiful?? (that, my friends, is a discussion all on it's own!)


I’d love to know your thoughts! Please comment!

(and literally minutes after posting this, I found this video while working on another blog post - The video is all about Selfies and the POSITIVE they can do! It really is such an interesting conversation!)

Confessions of a Body Lover

The change from body hater to body lover doesn't happen over night. I'm still travelling down the path towards completely and totally loving my body. The journey is long and challenging, and sometimes I stumble. But so long as I keep making progress, I know I will be ok. 

For now, however, a couple of my sneaky habits are: 

1) I still step on the scale. I pretend I don't know how much I've lost. I haven't told anyone my number in a while. And the honest truth is, that when I DO step on the scale, I don't really have a positive or negative reaction to the numbers there. If it goes up, I don't freak out. If it goes down, I don't get happy. It just satisfies a curiosity that I can't seem to kick. But the good thing is that the number has absolutely zero impact on my day, so I know I'm doing something right!

2) I wear spanx sometimes. You know spanx? Those inhuman pieces of fabric that squash all your squishy bits into spandex undergarments in order to prevent unsightly rolls? Yeah, those hell inspired inventions. I wear them when I wear dresses or skirts or even some pants. I can truthfully say that I love my body. I can thank my arm jiggle, embrace my wobbly thighs and even love my soft belly. My muffin top however....we haven't exactly come to terms just yet. And something about getting into one of those under suits just makes me immediately feel like strutting. Or standing like Wonder Woman. I usually do a little bit of both while no one is looking.

3) Most days the thought of "I really want french fries" enters my head at least once. I have yet to act on it because I am genuinely afraid that I will not be able to stop once I start.

How is your journey going? What are you finding to be the biggest challenge? Share in the comments!